Archive for July, 2009

risks they must take 9.ris.002002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 28, 2009

No. 400

FROM: Batavia (Harada)

TO: Tokyo

January 10, 1941

# 1.

Strictly Secret.

To the Head of the Intelligence Section from the Military Attaché.

Save in the case of open mail, the Netherlands India officials are practicing censorship of all letters. Letters marked “in care of” addressed to people who are supposed to have diplomatic immunity under the Consulate General are in no case excepted. None will escape. So will you please impress this upon all the staff and advise them to send anything secret which they have to transmit by trustworthy couriers.

Trans. 1-13-41

No. 401

FROM: Batavia (Isizawa)

TO: Tokyo

January 17, 1941

# 48.

The officials of the Dutch East Indies Government are strictly censoring not only communications from the Islands to Japan (communications of every sort, including telegrams and letters), but also those being sent from Japan to the Islands, although they make an exception (?) of matters for diplomatic offices such as Consulates and for Consuls, for the Japanese representatives at the Japanese-Dutch East Indies negotiations and for the offices of these delegates. In fact, they are censoring all mail matter, giving for their pretext the fact that martial law has been declared. They are examining those being exchanged not only between Japanese, but also between foreigners, and thus they are watching the activities carried on by the Japanese residents. This is, indeed, disadvantageous to us. It is necessary, therefore, to call the attention of the Japanese people at large by publishing this fact suitably in the Japanese newspapers, (however, without mentioning the fact that this report originated at this office).

Furthermore, it seems to me that it would be well for us to censor all communications exchanged between Japan and the Islands not only by the Japanese but by foreigners.

Will you please arrange to have the Foreign Office inform our intelligence officials in Manchukuo and China as well as our officials in offices having to do with South Seas affairs?

Trans. 2-10-41

Page A-209

No. 402

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Berlin

March 8, 1941

# 219.

To Secretary FURUUCHI from Consul ADANI in Batavia as follows:

Since the Dutch East Indies censorship is very strict, please tell the official in charge and HE to send communications addressed to me by courier.

Trans. 3-11-41

No. 403

FROM: Batavia (Isizawa)

TO: Tokyo

January 2, 1941

# 5.

From the 4th we plan to begin general intelligence work. Has there been any change in wave length? Please let me know immediately.

Trans. 1-4-41

No. 404

FROM: Soerabaja (Kohri)

TO: Tokyo

March 14, 1941

# 105.

According to a news report, wireless communication stations have been established recently in South Borneo at the following places: Pangkalanjoen, Sampit, Koealakapoeas, Mocaratewe and Poeroektjaoe.  Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

These stations, together with the ones in Tanahgrogot and Kotobaharoe, make a total of seven. All these stations are understood to make use of Bandjirmasin as a relay station.

Trans. 4-5-41

No. 405

FROM: Batavia (Isizawa)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin)

February 25, 1941

No number.

(Abstract)

Authorities here are watching closely the activities of the Japanese. In order to avoid misunderstanding, please send civilian couriers only hereafter and discourage military men from contacting our diplomatic offices.

Trans. 3-4-41

Page A-210

No. 406

FROM: Batavia (Ishizawa)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin)

April 17, 1941

# 301.

Regarding my message # 149 [a].

Persons connected with other departments are still being dispatched here as diplomatic couriers. So far, every one of these persons has been easily spotted as a military man, from the way he spoke and conducted himself. Furthermore, as most of them do not know foreign languages, it has caused no end of embarrassment and worry to our officials who stood by while they were being questioned by Immigration and Customs officials and some of these couriers have wasted away several days still carrying documents entrusted to them, thus deepening the suspicion of the Netherlands Indies authorities. If a stop is not put to this situation, I am certain that, eventually, the Netherlands Indies government will take steps to prevent the entry of our couriers altogether, thus disrupting tremendously this consulate’s service. In spite of this, if it is necessary to continue to dispatch these persons, please take extreme care in selecting the candidates and explain to them, beforehand, the risks they must take as couriers.  Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

[a] Not available.

Trans. 3-4-41

relay it to you 5.rity.332 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 24, 2009

No. 136

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Honolulu (Riyoji)

February 15, 1941

# 008.

Re my # 73 to Washington.

In gathering intelligence material, your office will pay particular attention to paragraphs 1 and 2.

Trans. 2-20-41

No. 137

FROM: Washington (Morishima)

TO: Mexico (Koshi)

February 15, 1941

# 003.

Re your # 008 [a].

Advise by official communication, by air, in the same manner as last year, as to military counter espionage.

[a] Not available.

Trans. 2-15-41

No. 138

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Washington (Koshi)

February 13, 1941

# 67.

Colonel Hideo Iwakuro of the Army will soon take office in the U.S. We have a request from the War Department that he be given the title of Aide to the Military Attaché at your office as a temporary expedient to facilitate his work only in the area concerned. We approve of this. So will you please inform the U.S. Government thereof?

Trans. (Not dated)

No. 139

FROM: Sydney (Japanese Consul)

TO: Washington

February 13, 1941

# 4.

My message to Tokyo # 79 on the 12th.

Re my message # 77 [a].

According to a newspaper report allegedly coming from Kanbera [b], these United States Naval observers have been ordered to various countries in both the Pacific and the Atlantic. Their number is a matter of secret but about 25 officers have been dispatched, especially to the Dutch East Indies, and they are under the direct command of the United States Navy Department and form a special observation post. It is said that they will be permitted to use

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special short-wave wireless sets of the British Navy in order to keep in touch with Australia, Singapore and other points.

Relayed to England and the United States.

[a] Available, not translated.

[b] Canberra, Australian city.

Trans. 2-21-41

No. 140

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Rome (Koshi)

February 15, 1941

# 300.

(Circular).

Under present world conditions, we must redouble our counter espionage activities. To conform with this policy we have decided to further restrict foreign visitors to our shores.

Hereafter, therefore, will you make a thorough investigation of all applicants for visas? Those persons who come under the classifications noted below (including persons who have no nationality) should not be given visas until their names, occupations, object of visit, and other reference material is reported by official communications or by request cables. A detailed description of the personal history and political leanings should accompany the applications of those who come under the category of (2) below. (There will be no change in the procedure which has been in effect in the past, where citizens of the U.S.S.R. and refugees are concerned.)

(1) Officials, military men, and others who are traveling on official business. Possessors of diplomatic passports are excepted.

(2) Newspaper correspondents, magazine writers, and persons connected with propaganda organs.

(3) All others about whose purpose of visit, political leanings, and/or connections you have some doubts.

Trans. 2-18-41

No. 141

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Washington

February 26, 1941

# 96.

To Ambassador Kurusu, from Ito (Chief of the Information Section).

It appears that the U.S. will go even so far as to take part in war to help England and that she will not agree to any peace settlement with Hitler’s Germany.

Please telegraph your candid opinion from San Francisco.

Please remind the Ambassador, Kurusu, of the matter referred to in my message # 2383 of last year [a].

[a] Directs caution in interviews with reporters. Not used.

Trans. 2-28-41

Page A-86

No. 142

FROM: Berlin (Osima)

TO: Tokyo

February 27, 1941

# 194.

Re my # 193 [a].

I met and talked with Stahmer on the 27th. He told me that according to a report submitted to the government by the German Ambassador in the U.S., the U.S. has definitely decided not to enter into joint military action with either Great Britain or the Netherlands against Japan as long as Japan makes no move against the Philippine Islands. This information,

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he said, came from a very reliable source. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire (To date this source has never been mistaken), he added.

He also advised me that this information will be relayed to us in Tokyo by Ambassador Ott, but in the meantime, be advised by this.

Stahmer expressed the hope for close cooperation in the matter of exchanging intelligence. Please, therefore, forward all information which may be of value.

[a] Not used.

Trans. 3-7-41

No. 143

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Washington

March 17, 1941

# 126.

Regarding my # 43 [a].

(1) Please put Secretary Terazaki [b] in full charge of directing information and propaganda in the United States.

(2) Please have him maintain close contact with all our offices for the purpose of coordinating information gathered through these channels.

Also please have him convene or visit officials concerned whenever he deems it necessary.

(3) Please allow him to travel to South and Central America, whenever he feels it necessary to contact our information officials in these countries.

(4) Bearing in mind that sufficient funds have been provided to give him a reasonable amount of freedom of action in pursuing his work, please offer him every assistance at your disposal.

[a] We have decided to de-emphasize our propaganda work and strengthen our intelligence work in the U.S. See I, 118.

[b] See I, 119. Outline of major points of investigation in connection with setting up of intelligence operations in the U.S.

[c] Cooperation of Jap bank and business officials in U.S. will be sought in connection with propaganda and intelligence work in U.S. See I, 112.

[d] Terazaki was formerly a secretary at the Legation in Peking; was ordered to Washington on 20 December, 1940.

Trans. 3-18-41

Page A-87

No. 144

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin)

April 9, 1941

# 221.

Terasaki and Wakasugi are rather inclined to want Fukumoto, director of the New York branch of the Nichi Nichi newspaper, to serve in Washington. However, in view of the fact that he has already been ordered home, would you please get in touch with Director Takaishi and Publisher Okomura and see if they can persuade him to postpone his return for a time and come to Washington, for he has been brought up in America and knows their customs, etc.?

Trans. 4-18-41

No. 145

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo

March 20, 1941

# 161.

Secret—To the Intelligence Bureau.

It is difficult for us to get information concerning conditions in England and Germany. As the contact of Mr. OBATA [a], attached to this office, with the Americans have ended, it is desired to send him immediately to Germany and Italy (and if it would not take too much time, also to England if convenient) and have him return. Your permission for this is requested. It will be necessary for him to take a plane or mail boat. Please answer immediately regarding this matter.

[a] Visiting U.S., Mexico and Canada on a four-month’ trip as temporary assistant to Admiral NOMURA and also for the purpose of supervising any propaganda and enlightenment activities.

Trans. 6-20-41

No. 146

FROM: Tokyo (Matsuoka)

TO: Geneva

March 3, 1941

# 14.

Regarding your message # 10 [a].

For the purpose of making necessary adjustments at this end, please listen in on Domei’s general news broadcasts and reply reception results. (Japan time: 4:30 p.m., 8:00 p.m., and 0 a.m.)

[a] Not available.

Trans. 3-5-41

Page A-88

No. 147

FROM: Sao Paulo (Naruse)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin) Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

March 3, 1941

# 011

Request that the following be passed on to the Nippon Broadcasting Association:

The change in frequencies has brought excellent reception for listeners here.

Trans. 3-5-41

No. 148

FROM: Rome

TO: Tokyo

March 4, 1941 (?)

# 116.

Sensitivity for JCF and FCO very feeble. Please change wave length.

Trans. 3-5-41

No. 149

FROM: Vichy (Harada)

TO: Tokyo

March 12, 1941

# 142.

Sensitivity weak. Static terrible. Reception impossible. Please change wave length.

Trans. 3-17-41

No. 150

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo

April 1, 1941

# 193.

For the past several days, we have encountered considerable difficulty in hearing the general intelligence broadcasts, due to static. The interference finally increased to such a point as to make reception an impossibility today.

Please, therefore, give consideration to changing the existing wave length.

Trans. 4-4-41

No. 151

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Washington (Koshi)

April 11, 1941

# 165.

Regarding your # 193 [a].

For the purpose of making necessary adjustments in wave lengths, please let us know the reception conditions of, and desired wave lengths for, the Domei general broadcasts at 9 p.m. (Japan time) over JUO (9,430 kc) and at 1, 1:30 and 2 p.m. over JUP.

[a] Jap. Amb. Nomura reports inability to hear general intelligence broadcasts due to static and suggests a change of wave length. See I, 150.

Trans. 4-18-41

Page A-89

No. 152

FROM: Tokyo (Konoe)

TO: Singapore (Riyoji)

April 21, 1941

# 106

Regarding your # 157 [a].

(Japan time) and frequencies for broadcasts in English or French as follows:

(Time and Stations)

A.M.  7:40 JUP

8:30 JUP

10:30 JUP

11:00 JUP

P.M.  2:40 JUP

4:30 JUP

8:00 JUP

8:30 JAUZ

9:00 JUO

A.M.  0:00 JUP

1:30 JUO

Broadcasts in Japanese with Romaji transliteration:

(Time and Stations)

A.M.  9:30 JAP

11:00 JAP

P.M.  0:00 JAP

0:30 JAP

3:00 JAP

4:30 JAP

5:00 JAP

6:00 JAP

7:30 JAP

9:00 JAP

Frequencies:

JAP   —11,980 kc

JUP   —13,065 kc

JAUZ  —73,275 kc

JUO    —9,430 kc

[a] Not available.

Trans. 4-29-41

No. 153

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin)

April 21, 1941

# 245

Re your # 165 [a].

The reception condition of Domei’s general broadcast over JUO and JUP is as follows:

Sensitivity extremely weak and reception impossible due to interference. General information listened to at this office, JUP, 13065 “A” at 4:30 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. (local time) suffers

Page A-90

from greater frequency instability than heretofore and reception is possible on the average of only three days out of a week. However, due to feeble sensitivity reception is very difficult. On the other hand we find both the sensitivity and frequency stability excellent for Domei’s general broadcast, JAU, 27327.5 “A” at 4 a.m. to 7 a.m.

Therefore, please change to this frequency.

Receiving sets used are ACR, Philco, 1937, type 116, and 1940 Hammerland super pro.

[a] Requests information regarding Domei General broadcasts in order to make adjustments in wave lengths. See I, 151.

Trans. 4-22-41

No. 154

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Washington

April 28, 1941

# 184.

Re your # 245 [a].

Since we plan to use for broadcasts to you Station JAU-2 in our current broadcast system, would like to have you send me reports on these broadcasts. Please wire me details of records compiled from 10:00 a.m. your time of receptions of all wave lengths.

[a] Washington tells Tokyo reception conditions of Domei’s general broadcast over JUO and JUP are very poor. See I, 153.

Trans. 5-8-41

No. 155

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo

May 6, 1941

# 270.

Re your # 184 [a].

JAW-2, which carries general Allied broadcasts picked up here at 7:00 a.m., has a very weak signal and it is very difficult to hear because it is frequently disturbed by sudden static. General news broadcasts for Europe picked up here beginning at 8:30 a.m. are inclined to have a very good signal on Station JAP. In spite of considerable static, over a five-day period, it could be heard relatively well.

However, in the past, looking at it from our local records, there is some question as to the enduring quality of the steady signal on that frequency. At times there is interference brought about by violent static and at times the signal is weak. Also, periodically reception is impossible.

Since the changing of the broadcast time to this office from the one at 4:30 currently in operation and —– —– —– is considered to be appropriate, we hope that you will change JAU-2’s wave length to 11980 kilocycles.

[a] See I, 154.

Trans. (Not dated)

Page A-91

No. 156

FROM: Washington (Morishima)

TO: Mexico City (Koshi)

January 27, 1941

# 002.

Re your # 004 [a].

Because of the expense involved, we do not subscribe to the A.P. and U.P. services at the Embassy. We try to keep abreast of the news by maintaining contact with individual newsmen. Upon receiving news of interest to your office through this channel, werelay it to yourelay it to you.

Unfortunately, there are no means by which we could have these newsmen send the news directly to your office.

[a] Re transmitting copy of U.S.-Mexican military agreements, secretly obtained by Military Attaché, to Tokyo in army code. “# 004″ above, probably an error. See I, 123.

Trans. 2-8-41

everywhere Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 18, 2009

Synopsis

Cartman and Jimmy come up with the funniest joke of all time and it takes off everywhere. But when someone else takes credit for the joke, the boys are furious.

Full Recap

Looking for somewhere to go Cartman find himself over at Jimmy’s. Jimmy is working on some new jokes for his comedy routine. Cartman offers to help. Jimmy runs some jokes by him, which Cartman rejects. When Jimmy’s mom offers them a healthy food alternative, Cartman rejects that idea to. Jimmy suggests that there might be some fishdicks in the freezer, if you like fishdicks, which Cartman says he does. The light goes on in Jimmy’s head and he writes down the following joke: “Do you like fishsticks? Yes. You like putting fishdicks in your mouth? Yes. Well what are you, a gay fish?” He tries it out on Cartman, who thinks it’s very funny. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire  At school the next day they try it out on the guys. The joke is a hit; even the teachers and parents are doing it. The joke takes off at a national level, when Jimmy Kimmel, Letterman and Leno use it on their late night programs. It is reported that the only person who does not get the joke is genius rapper Kanye West. In fact he becomes quite incensed about it. At lunch Cartman rubs in the fact that their joke is so popular. Cartman tells Jimmy that they need to patent their joke. Jimmy is just happy the joke is out there, but Cartman goes to see a lawyer to make sure they get what’s coming to them. Jimmy tells Kyle and the others that Cartman really had zero input into the joke, which doesn’t surprise Kyle at all. He recommends to Jimmy to that he stand up, while Craig recommends he settle for the half that Cartman is going to let him have. The genius Kanye West has a press conference, to prove to his fans that he is not a fish and not gay. On Conan O’Brien’s show, Carlos Mencia appears and takes credit for creating the joke. At school the next day, Cartman wants Jimmy to sign papers to protect their ownership of the joke. Jimmy is reluctant, and even more so after Cartman recounts to him about how the joke was written. Cartman tells Jimmy that if he wants to go back on their agreement, then he is no better than a Jew.

At hiss concert, Kanye West is taken aback when his fans are holding “Gay Fish” and “Kanye Likes Fishsticks” signs. Kanye tries to work out why everyone is calling him a “gay fish,” his people try to explain the joke to him, but he’s not listening. Kanye tries to break down the joke; the self-described lyrical genius is missing out on the wordplay of the joke. In the school bathroom, Cartman seeks some Jew defensive moves from Kyle to try to protect his interest in the joke from Jimmy. Kyle tells Cartman he believes him, because he knows that Cartman’s ego is “out of whack”. Cartman again misremembers again how the joke was written. Some of Kanye’s homeboys come to him with news that they’ve found out who started the fish dick joke. Kanye and his crew visit Carlos Mencia and while Kanye is trying to understand the joke as Carlos Mencia tries to explain it to him, they beat the life out of him. On the Ellen show, she talks about the joke and introduces the comedy team of “Cartman and Ballmer”. When Ellen asks about the origin of the joke, Cartman dominates the interview and hardly lets Jimmy get a word in edgewise. Cartman mentions that it was important to get the word out that they created the joke and not Carlos “Butthole” Mencia. Ellen asks them if they heard that Carlos Mencia’s body was found that morning with fishsticks stuck down his open neck hole. Kanye is watching the broadcast with a baseball bat in his hand and quips they’ve got another “inning to play”.

http://louis9j9sheehan.blog.com
Cartman and Jimmy have returned home, with some commercial offers in hand. Jimmy wants to know how Cartman lives with himself, knowing he really had nothing to do with writing the joke. Cartman reasserts his position of writing half the joke when suddenly Kanye and his crew come into the room, yielding their baseball bats. The boys are tied up and Cartman spins yet another tale about how the joke was created, which includes an army of Jew robots and Eric as the Human Torch. Cartman decides to take all the credit for the joke, even though to Jimmy’s surprise, it might mean certain death for Cartman at the bats of Kanye and his crew. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire But then Cartman remembers Kyle’s ego “out of whack” speech. Kanye has listened to Cartman’s speech and has a change of heart. Kanye dives off the end of a pier and starts living the life of gay fish.

evolution 3.evo.002002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 8, 2009

Synopsis

The topic of evolution is introduced to the 4th graders of South Park Elementary and while their teacher is against the theory a change of mind has implications for the future.

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And speaking of the future, Cartman is trying to send himself there; to the exact date that the newest video game console, the Nintendo Wii is being released. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

Full Recap

At the South Park Mall Cartman is outside EV Games, waiting for the new Nintendo Wii game system to come out. His mom wants him to be patient and he has another three weeks to wait for its official release. At South Park Elementary Mrs. Garrison tells Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey that he is not going to teach his students evolution but they tell him that he must do it. He thinks it is bull crap but he teaches the theory of evolution in his only particular style. Later back at the mall, Cartman still awaits the arrival of the Wii. His mother gets him to come home, but he can’t sleep. Time is going much too slow for him. He decides to have himself frozen, so that time will go by much faster for him, but the boys at the bus stop won’t help him. At school some concerned devout Catholic parents are worried about the evolutionary lesson Mrs. Garrison is teaching her students, their daughter thinks she is a “retarded fish frog.” Since Mrs. Garrison doesn’t seem to want to do the job, she brings in brings in Richard Dawkins, a world renown evolutionary scientist, to teach the subject. He starts to teach the children about evolution, but get into opinionated discussion about the subject until Mrs. Garrison starts to act like a monkey in the classroom and throws poo at Dawkins. After a visit to the principal’s office, Dawkins tells Mrs. Garrison that he admires her passion and he invites her to dinner. Mrs. Garrison celebrates the fact that she is going to have her first real date since having her sex change operation.
At the Cartman home, his mother finds Eric hiding in the freezer. Not to be stopped Cartman gets Butters to accompany him up into the mountains where he is going to freeze himself. It will be up to Butters to come back and find him in three weeks and not before, in time for the launch of the Wii. At an Italian restaurant Mrs. Garrison’s date with Dawkins is going extremely well, but for Dawkins it would be perfect if she was an atheist. He tells her about the concept of the “flying spaghetti monster,” which convinces Ms. Garrison that she should become an atheist and their date ends with a bang. Meanwhile, up on the mountain, Cartman has managed to freeze himself, but an avalanche buries him and Cartman is woken to find out that he has been frozen in ice for over 500 years; he doesn’t care, he still wants to play the Nintendo Wii.
Evolution is now being successfully taught by Dawkins in the classroom, but when Stan makes a comment that would allow there to still be the possibility of God, Mrs. Garrison mocks him. Later in bed, Dawkins tells Mrs. Garrison that he didn’t think she should be so bold about the need for no religion. He’s never met a woman with such balls. Mrs. Garrison tells Dawkins that with his intellect and her balls they could create a world without religion. Professor Chaos and General Disarray are playing in the backyard, but when his mother asks him if he’s heard anything from Eric Cartman, Butters begins to worry; especially after General Disarray tells him that Cartman is probably dead now that he’s been frozen. The pair go up to the mountain, where they can’t

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find Cartman’s body and General Disarray tells him to forget he ever knew anything about it. Back to the future (2546), Cartman is delighted to find out that they may have found a Nintendo Wii for him to play, but first they want to ask him about events that happened around the time he was frozen. It was in that year that world’s need for religion changed.  Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire The whole world is now filled only by atheists. The group Cartman is with is known as the United Atheist League (UAL), but they come under attack from the United Atheist Alliance (UAA). The UAA beats the UAL and take Cartman prisoner. They send a message to the Allied Atheist Allegiance (AAA, comprised of sea otters) whom they are at war with. Since this is the dawn of the sea otter, they prepare to attack.
To be continued…

scientologists 5.sci.002300 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 6, 2009

Synopsis

Stan finds out that he’s depressed after taking a test given to him by Scientologists. After joining his new religion, the other members realize that he is the reincarnation of their leader. Upon hearing this, the Scientology masses arrive outside his house, but several members end up in the closet instead.

Full Recap

Stan is saving his money for a new bike and as a result he doesn’t join Kyle, Cartman and Kenny when they go off to play Laser Tag. Opting for something that is fun and free, Stan takes a personality test that is being offered by the Scientologists. After answering a lot of questions the results of Stan’s test show that he is one messed up kid who is “completely miserable and totally depressed.” Something that Stan wasn’t aware of. Fortunately it makes him a perfect candidate for scientology and for only $240 they will help him out. Back at home, Stan asks his parents for the money to help him with his total depression. His father suggests that he use the money for his bike money, it’s his choice, does he want the bike or does he not want to be depressed. Stan takes the plunge and spends his money on Scientology. Stan gets a brief history of Scientology before he goes into auditing room where his “Thetan Levels” are read. Stan grabs hold of the device and his levels are off the chart. After trying four different E-Meters, the results are the same. His results are faxed to the headquarters in Los Angeles, where Scientology’s president reviews the results. Stan has registered an OT9, the only other person to score that high was L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder and prophet. Back in South Park Stan is taking out the garbage when he sees that a large group of people have gathered outside. The Scientologists have gathered there to celebrate Stan as the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. The president of the group arrives and goes inside to talk with Stan’s parents. His parents are against him joining the group, but the president tells them that they are looking for Stan to lead their group. John Travolta has arrived on the scene. Randy sends his son to his room. In his room Stan finds that Tom Cruise is there waiting for him. When Stan tells him what he thinks of his acting, Tom goes into the closet, believing he has failed in the eyes of the prophet. Stan calls for his father’s help and Randy tries to get Tom Cruise to “come out of the closet.”
Four hours later Tom is still in the closet. Everyone wants him to “come out of the closet.” R. Kelly is on the scene and sings about Tom Cruise being in the closet. The scientology president tries to convince Stan’s parents to let them have their son. They want to reveal the great secret of life behind their church to Stan. Randy asks his son if he would like to know this information and Stan responds with a “sure.” Usually it takes several years before a member can hear this information, but Stan is on the fast track. The president tells him what the Scientologists actually believe, involving aliens from about 75 millions years ago coming to Earth. Now what the scientologists want Stan to do is pick up the story where L. Ron left off. Meanwhile, upstairs Nicole Kidman is trying to get Tom to “come out of the closet.” Tom continues to deny that he is in the closet. Stan begins writing and when Kyle, Cartman and Kenny come over to invite him to the movies he doesn’t have time for them. Kyle is concerned about the cult that Stan has joined, but Stan assures him that Scientology is based on fact. If they can’t accept that he has found meaning (instead of the depression he didn’t know he had) then they are no longer friends.
John Travolta also tries to get Tom to “come out of the closet,” but instead he finds himself joining him. Louis J. Sheehan, EsquireOut on the street R. Kelly sings about this latest development. The Scientologist president is reading Stan’s new work and when Stan tells him that he thinks that that church should no longer have to pay money to belong to the church; then the president tells him what the real deal is. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire There is a lot of money to be made from their followers. R. Kelly goes upstairs to try to get Tom and John to “come out of the closet.” R. Kelly gets angry, pulls out his gun, and when the closet door opens, he finds himself going inside. Outside, the president introduces Stan, who is going to read to them from his new doctrine. Stan goes over some of the highlights, but decides that he has to come clean with his followers. For his efforts, all his followers plan on suing him. Even Tom, John and R. Kelly have all “come out of the closet,” with plans on suing Stan. Stan tells them “I’m not scared. Sue me!”

operation 3.ope.02 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 2, 2009

Synopsis

Mr. Garrison decides to get a nose job. On the day of his operation, he gets Ms. Ellen to substitute for him. After the operation is complete, he discovers that he can have his dream career: hanging out and screwing hot chicks. Now Ms. Ellen is the new teacher, but that is OK because the boys all have a crush on her, especially Stan, which makes Wendy extremely jealous.

Full Recap

Mr. Garrison takes some time off for a surgical procedure as a result his class gets a beautiful substitute teacher named Ms. Ellen. Wendy becomes jealous when Stan seems to be infatuated with Ms. Ellen and she warns Ms. Ellen: “Don’t ‘beep’ with me!” Chef tries to sing his way into Ms. Ellen’s heart, but when she rejects him, Chef is convinced she is a lesbian. The boys try to become lesbians, so that Ms. Ellen will like them. Mr. Garrison recovers from his surgery, a nose job, looking like David Hasselhoff. Mr. Garrison officially quits his job to begin enjoying all that his new looks provide. When Stan Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire wins a dinner with Ms. Ellen, Wendy proves that she shouldn’t be “beeped” with.
Kenny dies when a sword thrown toward him by Ms. Ellen stabs him in the face and pins him to the wall. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire